I have wanted to start a lifestyle blog for years. I have thought about it on and off several times, and each time I talk myself out of it. I never knew what was holding me back from starting, but after a trip to the local hand dyed paper store, I have a new perspective. This post explains the key reason it took me so long to start blogging in a roundabout way, so if you don’t make it all the way to the end, I completely understand!!
Today, I realized something about myself.
I have always known I have a tendency to get extremely passionate about something, become an “expert” at that task, carry out my new hobby for a few months, and then let it fizzle out. I have always recognized and accepted this personality trait of mine, but it wasn’t until today that I realized just how much this habit is affecting other aspects of my life.
I started this summer with high hopes of creating an epic travel journal while I was in Italy. I debated back and forth between ordering “the perfect journal” online before I came or being spontaneous and let Italy show me the journal I needed. I went with the second option, and I must admit, the first week here this decision caused me a larger amount of stress than the situation warrants. I was looking on every street corner, in every store, in every market for the perfect journal. I had a wish list. Black or brown, Italian leather, a strap around it, yellowed pages, unlined, thick paper, and the list goes on. I had constructed this perfect idea of what my journal was going to be.
Then, I walked into the paper store.
Maybe I should start by saying one of my passions that had its peak a few years ago but is still hanging around, is stationery, sending snail mail, and making cards. So, this paper store is basically my personal form of heaven on Earth. Their specialty is hand dyed paper. They carry the most beautiful pieces of paper, and you can watch them dye it right there in the store. I was fascinated from the moment I walked in. They use the special paper to make all sorts of items- stationery sets, postcards, recipe books, and most importantly, journals.
I stood at the journal section for at least twenty minutes going back and forth between the different paper samples. As soon as I saw the hand dyed journal, the perfect, Italian leather journal I had dreamed up in my head instantly vanished. I didn’t spend one second wondering if I should just walk out of the store and continue my search. I looked intently at all the different cover options and tripled checked the one I selected was unlined. The shop worker gladly let me pay, probably wondering why there was a crazy girl standing in her store looking at journals for so long.
I got back to my apartment and unloaded all of the supplies I had intended to use on my journal. Then, suddenly, doubt entered my mind. I started thinking how the journal would never be perfect and clean after I made the first mark. I worried over this new excitement for journaling would fizzle out like the rest of my ventures.
I didn’t touch my journal all night.
Instead, I practiced and practiced on the cheap journal I bought in a moment of desperation. I decided to practice every move I intended to make in my cheap journal before going to the nice journal. I was worried sick over ruining my new, perfect journal, that I couldn’t even touch it.
I realized all the joy had gone from this task.
I started thinking about joy. For many years of my life people have asked me, “where does all of your happiness come from?” And I always shyly answered, “I don’t know” or “I am not sure.” Now, I look back on my response and I am deeply ashamed I never used that question as a door to explain where my joy truly does come from.
God. My joy comes from God. At one of the lowest points of my life, before I started high school, I was unhappy all the time. Then one day, I read a page out of The Purpose Driven Life, and it changed everything.
Overnight, I was overwhelmed with immense joy for life, and almost every day since that moment in 2012, I have been able to look at each day through a happy lens.
The verse I am reminded of in this time is James 1:2-3.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,
3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.
Just to be clear, I am perfectly aware that worrying myself sick over starting a journal is not an extremely significant trial. This verse says trials of many kinds, and I know this is a very small trial. But I am so thankful for this tiny trial, because it made me realize that I can’t let my fear of fizzling out keep me from starting on activities that I am excited about, including starting a blog. I also love the second part of this verse that talks about a testing of faith producing perseverance. Everything about this is just hitting me to the core in my new season of life.
I am so thankful for this realization that came to me after leaving the paper store.
I am happy to say, as I am writing this, I have started on the first page of my travel journal, and I have finally started my blog!
